My sheets look like a crime scene.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
