I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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