i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
