1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
they're like a gay fantastic four
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
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