I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
