just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
