Banned from zoo.
Again?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
