Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
