so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize