I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
