I puked a lego.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
