Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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