There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
