woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
