I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just had sex on a roof
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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