It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
