I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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