I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
