i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
