my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
