Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
