Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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