she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
