my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
