I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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