My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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