Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Randomize
