I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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