Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Houston, we have a blender
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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