The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
