Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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