I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Randomize
