If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
