Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
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