i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
