worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
