the condom got lost in my hair
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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