I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
