I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
