Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
