the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
