i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i love accidental penises.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
