i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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