SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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