It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Alive.
So much puke
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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