Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
