She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
