I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
