i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
porn star boner night. come get it.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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