Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
