the condom got lost in my hair
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
