i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
