I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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