I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
